Humor- What To Expect From Liverpool In The Premier League This Season?

 Hit The Bar takes a look on the lighter side of the game today as we speculate what will  become of Liverpool when the upcoming edition of the Premier League commences on the 15th of August.   


The Reds begin their upcoming season with a new hope, a renewed belief and an insatiable desire for victory. Fernando Torres only recently confirms his loyalty to the Club and it’s wonderful supporters, soon followed by Steven Gerrard negating the possibility of a transfer to any other club- especially Real Madrid. The squad is all prepped up and ready to give it their all, the fans are behind them a 110 percent, the owner’s are happy too- every one is convinced that this is their season!, the season that Liverpool Football Club rightfully claims the one title which has eluded them all too long- The Barclays Premier League!…  

Only, it isn’t.  

All the hype that is built up leading to the start of the new season soon meets a very anti-climatic end on the 15th Of August. Liverpool suffer  their first loss in the very first game of the season, a whopping 4-1 loss to Arsenal that leaves both Fernando Torres and Steven Gerrard injured for the rest of the campaign (37 games to be exact). Pepe Reina scores the single Reds’ goal through a penalty after Torres is severely tackled and left injured in the box- by a gust of wind. No other Liverpool player is man enough to take the spot-kick.  

It happened something like this:



What? He was clearly tripped!  

Needless to say, the Reds prove to be nothing without their *STAR* players and an epic collapse ensues which sees Liverpool crash out, not just from title contention (they’ve gotten pretty used to that now, I might add) and European Football as a whole, but from the Premier League altogether! Going into the last game of the season, Liverpool need just a draw against Newcastle to secure their presence in the Premier League. Things with Liverpool though, don’t go to plan more often than not, and the Reds soon find themselves a goal behind as Newcastle take the lead early on from a Shola Ameobi strike. Liverpool are shell-shocked.  

They immediately begin the counter attack, trying ever so hard to get that one goal that could see them remain in the first division. But with the clock winding down, the players and manager begin to lose belief, seats begin to empty as fans leave the stadium, all hope seems lost. Just then, on 91′ minutes, Liverpool’s player of the season- Pepe Reina– goes on an epic run from his box, breaking through the entire Magpies’ squad before leaving a trail of defenders in his wake. The Newcastle keeper then rushes out to meet the berserk Reina at the edge of his area as he charges forward, Reina though shows supreme ball control as he majestically Rainbows the ‘keeper, leaving the open goal at his mercy.  

As he shoots, the whole of Anfield rises from its seat in unison, fans jump into the air in anticipation, up in the stands the announcer takes off his headset as he gawks at the ball coolly sliding towards goal, the entire stadium is caught in spectacular slow motion. Mouths gape open in ecstasy.  But just then, something seems to be falling out of the sky. Something big, round and… Red!.  

‘Oh no, the Beach-ball!, It’s back!’  

The cries spread around the stadium and the crowd watches in dumbfounded horror as the cheap, inflated piece of made-in-china club merchandise drops onto the pitch…right in front of goal!  

“Plonk!”, the two balls collide and the beach-ball pushes the football just around the near post, in a manner somewhat resembling a heroic last-ditch save. Liverpool are relegated and Pepe Reina is admitted to a mental asylum the next day. He is diagnosed with a chronic case of Beach-Ball induced trauma, never to play football again.  

Yeah boys, I'm back!

-The End-      

 -Zain R. Mian  

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*Also featured on: The Bleacher Report

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